You’re My Hero, Kreig

A great movie sticks with you but, sometimes, you can get even more from a really terrible film. The Borderlands movie is that kind of film, a massive, unmitigated disaster of storytelling that, for anyone that knows the universe in question, could have easily been avoided. I’m not going to try and make the case that a properly made Borderlands film would be high art, the kind of cinema that the likes of Francis Ford Copolla and Martin Scorsese would have loved. It wouldn’t win any awards and, even for a good film, a lot of people would likely say, “that was a very silly action movie.” Fans, though, would have at least gotten the film they expected and, on that count, the 2024 film absolutely fails.

At very fundamental levels, Borderlands the film doesn’t work. It doesn’t understand (and doesn’t care to understand) the BorderlandsConceptually, Borderlands is Mad Max but set on an alien planet, with magic. The game play might be action-shooter-RPG fare, with a bit of Diablo thrown in, but the aesthetic is pure, Australian post-apocalyptic exploitation. universe. It doesn’t provide good characters or a good story. It doesn’t have any humor, or decent action. It does have good stage design and some costumes that match the look of the games, but one could even argue that where it counts (the weapons) the movie fails to match the look of the series. It just doesn’t engage at any level with the material or even the basic constructs of good filmmaking. It’s a bad movie.

It doesn’t have to be, though. There had to be a way to fix this film, to make it into something decent enough that people wanted to watch it. Somewhere, somehow, there has to be a way to take the bones that are here and make something good out of it. So that’s what we’re going to try and do: we’re going to take the film as it’s set up and make something better and different out of it. I’m going to at least try to stick to the same outline of a story as the film (and the first game, which the film is incredibly loosely based on) and I’ll even keep the same characters that were imported over from the games (so we don’t have to recast anyone). But everything else – script, action, direction – that can do so that we can make a movie out of their component pieces that people want to watch.

It’s Not Lilith’s Movie

The film opens with narration from a very put-upon Lilith describing Pandora, the planet she came from, why she doesn’t want to go back there, and why it’s a shithole. The issue with opening narration, in any form, is that it has to tell us something we wouldn’t naturally get from watching the film. When you see a noir detective outlining a case he’s working on, that’s usually because we’re joining a case part-way and we wouldn’t know these details otherwise. When a film like Star WarsThe modern blockbuster: it's a concept so commonplace now we don't even think about the fact that before the end of the 1970s, this kind of movie -- huge spectacles, big action, massive budgets -- wasn't really made. That all changed, though, with Star Wars, a series of films that were big on spectacle (and even bigger on profits). A hero's journey set against a sci-fi backdrop, nothing like this series had ever really been done before, and then Hollywood was never the same. opens with a text scroll giving us a brief, but pointed, history of the conflict between the Empire and the Rebellion, that’s because it’s important background that the characters have no reason to spout off about, and it helps set the stage right before a massive ship flies into view and we forget everything but the bombastic feeling of the music and the joy of the action. It’s not that opening narration can’t work, you just have to use it the right way, and Borderlands does not.

Instead of getting rid of the opening narration, we need to focus it on a character that should actually be telling us things that matter. Lilith’s narration is about the planet, which we can easily learn once we’re there, and about herself, which not only does she have no reason to spout off about to herself because she already knows it but we also learn all of this, again, when the movie gets to it naturally. One character we learn nothing about in the film, though, is Kreig, the psycho who ends up teaming up with Tiny Tina. He runs around, beating the shit out of people with his chainsaw axe, and only shouts things about MEAT PUPPETS at the TOP OF HIS VOICE. He’s fantastic, but he could use some fleshing out.

The thing with Kreig is that, if you know all the related materials for the games, he actually has quite the brain going on in his head. In “A Meat Bicycle Built for Two” (his reveal trailer, when the character was added to Borderlands 2) we got to learn that he has a running, internal voice (his old voice) making smart, even erudite, observations about the world. You could have done that here, with Kreig discussing the world of Pandora, his place in it, rumors of the Vault, all of that while, at the same time, shouting nonsensical gibberish. That would have worked in this film to both give the audience all the knowledge they wanted while doing it in a way that made sense for Kreig’s character. That’s so much better than having Lilith, a character that is so done with everything, handle the chatter.

Putting the focus on Kreig allows us to change a few other elements. We can start on his action, focusing on him breaking out of prison on the Atlas satellite. He can run through, killing people (upping our action and, yes, gore as well since, obviously, this should be an R-rated movie). And then, when he gets to Tina, he can stop, think for a second, and then free her so the two can rampage off together. Two crazies taking a drop ship down to a world of crazies. In the process Tina could also see something shiny, the first of the Vault Keys, and steal it. She doesn’t need to be a genetically engineered key for the Vault, she could just be a kid stealing something because it looked cool. That way the film doesn’t have to change her backstory from the games but it can still put her into the story with the same effect.

A Pandoran Chase

The plot of the film hinges on the Atlas Corporation (specifically run by Atlas, a character never seen or heard of in the games) chasing after Tina, who they engineered, so they can use her to open the ancient Eridian Vault. None of this, at all, is in the video games. In the first game you simply collect the parts of the key, put them together, slot it into the keyhole, and the mystical vault is opened. That, right there, is really all we need. With Tiny holding the first piece, you can simply have the Atlas corp chase after her while she refuses to give it back.

Why would Tina refuse to give it back, you might ask? Well, because Tina is a little psycho jerk and she doesn’t need any more of a reason to keep it. She has Kreig with her (in this version of events, which doesn’t necessarily violate continuity because we don’t see Tina or Kreig in the first game anyway) and if she says she wants it, who is going to argue with the seven-foot-tall psycho standing behind her helping her keep it? As they come across other bits of the key, Tina keeps collecting them because she likes how they look, or she thinks she might be able to tap into their energy to make things blow up, and that’s really all the reason she needs to keep on this mission. People are chasing her, she’s a snide little kid that doesn’t want to give them what they want, end of story.

Now, in the games there is established history that Roland and Tiny know each other and that he trusts her. Thus, for this movie, we should eventually get Roland into this little party. He finds Tina, playing with her vault piece, and when he can’t get her to give it up he decides to travel with her since she’s headed in the direction he wants to go anyway. He’s a Vault Hunter, she has the Vault Key, it works perfectly well. He can learn to trust her, she can discover he’s not a bad dude, and they can each have a bit of an arc for their characters while, yes, they’re going on the daily linear collect-a-thon path for the Vault Key pieces.

It’s also good having Roland here because he used to be part of the Crimson Lance before he went off to be a Vault Hunter. The Crimson Lance, as sent by Atlas, are the people chasing after Tina, so it’s a nice way to tie his background into the story. He can reveal at some point why he left the Lance (something that never comes up in the film which, you know, probably should have to develop his character). She can eventually reveal how her parents were killed by psychos (specifically Fleshstick, as in the second game), and she went on a little explosive murder spree taking out his crew, which is how she was found by Atlas and taken away from Pandora (can’t leave the little psycho kid on the planet where she’d only get in the way). Kreig could narrate his own past while shouting, “I AM THE KING OF THE BLOODY MEAT BRIGADE!” It works.

As a benefit, we only have three main characters we have to focus on (not six, like in the movie) which gives us more time to actually learn who they are and appreciate what they’re doing. The movie spreads itself too thin and doesn’t give real roles to all the characters, so trimming the fat and keeping things focused is the far better strategy.

The Other Vault Hunters

With that said, we do at least need to let the other heroes from the games show up from time to time. Lilith, as well as Mordechai and Brick, need to make appearances in this version of the film, but they will serve different roles from the 2024 movie. Lilith is not our hero, she’s a Vault Hunter (yes, an actual Vault Hunter) looking to find the keys. She could have tracked one down, but might not have a way to get into where it’s hidden on her own. “It’s a four-man job,” she could comment as Tina blows the doors off the place and the rest of them charge in, guns blazing. Maybe Lilith gets pinned down and she passes the key piece off to Roland and Co. so they can protect it. “You’ll see me again,” she says, with a wink to Roland (implying the future relationship they’d have between games one and two). And then we move on, her part of the story over.

I’d actually use each of the other Vault Hunters in this way. Mordechai and his bird Bloodwing help lead the trio to another piece, but then they have to jet when Atlas shows up. Brick is found beating the tar out of a psycho leader and doesn’t care about the key piece, so he lets the heroes take it. At each step we find a character we know in a familiar location, all before the heroes get what they need and move on. It keeps the plot moving forward, it helps to ground it in the world we know, and it doesn’t get bogged down trying to flesh out too many characters too fast without actually doing any of the leg work. Each person is here for a reason and then the film moves on when that reason is fulfilled.

Now, sure, once the Vault is found and the key is inserted, we can have all the characters show back up for a big, climactic fight. That’s a good way to tie everything together and also show all these characters are fulfilling their destinies as Vault Hunters. Plus…

Bring On the Action

We need to make sure the action of the film lives up to the action of the games. As our heroes are battling through various locales (some of them we know, like Fyrestone, the Dahl Headlands, New Haven, the Salt Flats, and the Vault) we need to have good action, and plenty of it. The hits should come hard, there should be vehicles, bullets, and bodies flying everything. It should be over-the-top and very colorful. We need to have all the guns, and all the particle effects, while a competent director gives us action worth watching.

Each of the heroes needs to use their powers, too. Lilith should phasewalk, running through and around battles as guys are lit on fire (or shock, or corrosion) in her wake. Roland should have his turret, throwing it out in key moments to provide backup when the gunfire is pressing them down. Mordy will send out his bird to trash guys and do solid waves of damage. And, yes, Brick needs to punch dudes, a lot, making them explode into bits of blood and viscera. We need to see our heroes doing exactly what they are known for, not hiding what makes them special until the very end for some big, dumb, superhero moment.

And, yes, the movie absolutely needs to be R-rated. Deadpool & Wolverine proved people are willing to accept an over-the-top, hyper-violent and hyper-colored movie about heroes killing their way through a whole bunch of dudes. We need that here because that’s how the games are. When you adapt source material you need to adapt it right, and that means giving the fans the kind of content they expect. A PG-13 Borderlands film just isn’t going to cut it because it mutes all the action the players expect. This is an action series, so you have to provide the action.

The climax should be properly epic. The key is built from the pieces, Atlas gets ahold of it, and the Commander that’s been chasing our team this whole time (Steele, as in the first game) uses it to open the Vault. And that’s when, like in the game, the Atlas team is wiped out, Steele included, by the alien creature that was sealed inside. The Vault isn’t filled with treasure, it’s loaded with a hideous beast that even the Eridan aliens felt was too dangerous to be unleashed. That’s the twist that sells the end of the first game and you have to honor it. And with Atlas wiped out, it’s up to our trio of heroes, plus the other Vault Hunters, to band together and fight back the alien beast so they can seal the Vault once more. Lots of shooting, lots of danger, and a whole lot of alien killing.

Trying to Fix What’s Broken

Does this solve all the problems with the film? Probably not. We’d have to cast Mordechai and Brick, who aren’t even in the movie, and we have to live with the casting that was already done (since I said I wouldn’t change the actors). If we go much farther then we’ve basically made a completely new movie and I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to try and take the pieces that were there and rework them into something that could have been good given the cast, money, and practical sets already built. This is what could have been done, starting day one, before the film was rolling.

I think we’d still have issues, namely because too many of the actors are wrong for their roles, but to go any further basically means, “fuck it, we’re not fixing this movie. We’re just making an entirely different one.” End of the day that’s really what would have been needed to save Borderlands but, well, it’s too late for that now. Perhaps, though, this could provide a roadmap for what could work, years from now, if a different studio decides to take another crack at adapting Borderlands for the big screen. I don’t think this series is unfilmable. I think a movie could be made from its elements. You’d just need the right studio, at the right time, with the right idea on how to pull it off.

As a fan of the games I do hope that, some day, we get the film the series actually deserves. For now, the best we can hope is that the taint of this 2024 film doesn't ruin the prospect of something better in the future.