Pucker Up, Buttercup

I went to Wal-Mart. It was awful. In the process I found sour candies. That was nice. In the end, it was a qualified win:

Lily’s Sour Gummy Worms

I am not, generally speaking, interested in candies or other snacks that are “sweetened” without sugar. Aspartame and Stevia and all those taste gross to me and while I’m sure there are some that want to be able to sample candy that doesn’t have all that sugar in it (such as those with conditions that do not react well to sugar), I am not in that camp. If I’m having candy then I want candy, not a non-sugar facsimile of it. Gimmie that sweet, sweet nectar and let me enjoy my slow decline into a sugar coma on my terms.

Still, one of the few areas where fake sweeteners can sometimes be okay is in sour candy. These snacks are meant to have a non-standard flavor, sour not sweet, so the not-sugars can sometimes work if the flavor and context is tuned right. While I don’t go out of my way to seek these kinds of non-sugar snacks regularly, I am at least willing to give the benefit of the doubt and see what the candy will be like. That’s especially the case when I feel like writing a sour candy review article and I need something extra to review.

Lily’s Sour Gummy Worms is one of several candies I saw on offer at Wal-Mart the last time I was there (going to Wal-Mart, much as I hate it, has become a far more frequent occurrence with the general death of DVDs and Wally World being one of the few places still selling them). I snatched these up, along with the other items in this review, in the hopes that despite my reticence over non-sugar candies, and my general disdain for gummies over other types of sour candies, these might be good. But, in point of fact, they are not.

To start, the texture of these candies are all wrong. They’re marked as gummy but they are thick, firm chews, almost like taffy. Actually, they’re worse than taffy, sticking to my teeth like hard molasses. The chew on these candies is unpleasant, almost so firm and sticky that they hurt. They don’t have the softness or a proper gummy, instead creating this firm and gross experience that is, frankly, rather unpleasant.

The flavor, meanwhile, is bad as well. Despite being marked as “sour”, there is no sourness to these at all. I wouldn’t even call them tart. There might be a hint of a tangy coating on the outside of the worms, but that disappears quickly, leaving a vaguely swee-tish chew after. And I wouldn’t describe the actual gummy as having flavor, as they’re probably supposed to taste fruity but don’t really taste like much of anything. They remind me of organic fruit snacks you get from a health food store, the kind that markets itself as “a healthy alternative”. Those are always gross, and so is the flavor of these worms.

I get that people want to be mindful of their sugar intake and watch what they eat. A non-sugar alternative candy can make sense for that market. Whatever Lily’s is cooking up, though, should stay in the cooker a while longer. These worms aren’t an enjoyable alternative candy for people conscious of their sugar intake; these are a punishment that only encourages you to go back to the real thing instead.

Mr. Beast Feastibles Karl’s Sour Gummies

I do not know who Mr. Beast is. Like, I know he’s a YouTube star, and that he has some kind of burger chain and a few other ventures. He’s one of those super-famous online personality types and, without purposefully trying to sound too hipster, I tend to avoid those personalities. Once you get to a certain level of popularity (and this is for all things, from music to Hollywood to internet stardom) it changes you, and that gets reflected in the work you do. That’s especially the case with internet fame when the content you’re making is supposed to be “from you”, but when your personality adjusts to the stardom, your videos change with it. That’s not the kind of media I enjoy, so I tend to avoid watching that kind of stuff.

The only reason I’m covering Karl’s Sour Gummies from Mr. Beast’s brand is because they were sour candies and I saw them on a shelf. While I don’t care about internet personality brands at all, I am a whore for sour candy so, regardless of the name on the package, I had to try them. Naturally, this review comes with the standard caveat that these are gummies and I’m not the biggest fan of gummy candies, but I am also willing to review things fairly and try to save what works or doesn’t work about a given treat.

With all that out of the way, Karl’s Sour Gummies (of which I tried the Blue Raspberry variety) are just okay. Like, there’s nothing inherently bad about them, per se, but there’s also nothing astounding about the gummies either. They are exactly what you’d expect from a package marked as “sour gummies”, no more and no less. If you were to pay some third party corporation to make a blue raspberry gummy, then this is exactly the product they would immediately crap out without a second thought. It’s true, middle of the road candy.

The flavor of the gummy is fine. I wouldn’t call them sour at all, just kind of tart. They have a sour coating on them, but it’s a very mild sour that, for all but the youngest candy eaters, will barely register. The blue raspberry flavor is spot on, exactly what you expect blue raspberry to taste like, although I did find the overall punch of them to be somewhat muted. They aren’t boldly blue raspberry, having just a basic flavor instead. And the texture of the gummy is fine, a little stickier and chewier than I think some might like, but nothing inherently wrong. They’re just a gummy, through and through.

My bet is that the people that see “Mr. Beast” on the package will buy them to support the brand. If you are a fan, you already care. If you aren’t a fan, well, these are just a standard blue raspberry candy. They suit the itch without being something you’d ever crave again.

Sour Patch Kids Lollipop with Sour Dipping Candy

When I think Sour Patch Kids, I think of the soft, almost gummy candies the company produces. Yes, they do have gel snacks they’ve licensed out as well, but there’s a default concept for Sour Patch kids, and that doesn’t extend past soft, chewy bits. And yet, for this Halloween, I found a bag of Lollipops with the Sour Patch branding, and they are not chewy in any way, shape, or form. These are true lollies that get their Sour Patch name from the base flavor of the suckers as well as the sour candy included in the pouches.

These lollipops are meant to be eaten like Fun Dip. For those not of a certain age who may never have seen Fun Dip out in the wild (although I can confirm Fun Dip does still exist somewhere), that was a set of paper pouches filled with tangy candy powder, and they included a sugar wafer that you would lick and dip into the powder. It was like being allowed to eat pre-sweetened Kool Aid, and it was so terrible for you. Frankly, when I was eating Fun Dip, the few times I got it, I inevitably got bored with the candy stick and just started pouring the powder into my mouth.

And, to be honest, the same thing happens here. The pouches of Candy plus lolly have a small amount of candy dust plus the sucker. You lick the sucker, dip it into the powder, and come out with sour flavor. The sour doesn’t last long, but it does give a quick hit and it makes the sucker slightly more enjoyable. The suckers on their own come in either Black Raspberry or Orange, Halloween colors and flavors for the season, and on their own are unremarkable . The set, generic fruit flavors you always expect from raspberry and orange. Together they’re great, but once you’ve eaten all the sour coating (or poured it into your mouth) you’re left with another general lollipop to finish.

Like, again, I don’t think these are bad, per se, but I’m unlikely to ever want to get these again. I’d rather have the far more interesting, and more sour, standard Sour Patch Kid than this sucker again.

Great Value Sour Bubblegum Filled Lollipops

When I think Sour Patch Kids, I think of the soft, almost gummy candies the company produces. Yes, they do have gel snacks they’ve licensed out as well, but there’s a default concept for Sour Patch kids, and that doesn’t extend past soft, chewy bits. And yet, for this Halloween, I found a bag of Lollipops with the Sour Patch branding, and they are not chewy in any way, shape, or form. These are true lollies that get their Sour Patch name from the base flavor of the suckers as well as the sour candy included in the pouches.

These lollipops are meant to be eaten like Fun Dip. For those not of a certain age who may never have seen Fun Dip out in the wild (although I can confirm Fun Dip does still exist somewhere), that was a set of paper pouches filled with tangy candy powder, and they included a sugar wafer that you would lick and dip into the powder. It was like being allowed to eat pre-sweetened Kool Aid, and it was so terrible for you. Frankly, when I was eating Fun Dip, the few times I got it, I inevitably got bored with the candy stick and just started pouring the powder into my mouth.

And, to be honest, the same thing happens here. The pouches of Candy plus lolly have a small amount of candy dust plus the sucker. You lick the sucker, dip it into the powder, and come out with sour flavor. The sour doesn’t last long, but it does give a quick hit and it makes the sucker slightly more enjoyable. The suckers on their own come in either Black Raspberry or Orange, Halloween colors and flavors for the season, and on their own are unremarkable . The set, generic fruit flavors you always expect from raspberry and orange. Together they’re great, but once you’ve eaten all the sour coating (or poured it into your mouth) you’re left with another general lollipop to finish.

Like, again, I don’t think these are bad, per se, but I’m unlikely to ever want to get these again. I’d rather have the far more interesting, and more sour, standard Sour Patch Kid than this sucker again.